37, college grad, 2x married, one son, one stepdaughter, four cats, one idiot dog, one very small house and small garden.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Anatomy of a Nap

Ahhh...the afternoon nap. So sought after, so richly deserved, so decadent, such a glorious and wonderful waste of precious time. Have you ever really thought about the human obsession with napping? No, I didn't think so. Neither have I. But I am sooooo tired today that I was considering taking a nap. Then I realized I have three loads of laundry to do, my fitness walking to get done, the kitchen to clean, the floors to sweep, and at -some- point I really must mow the lawn. So instead of taking a nap break for an hour, I'll spend fifteen minutes updating this blog and having a virtual nap. Phooey. I really wanted the nap. (Funny...I just heard a Rolling Stones song float through my little brain.)

There are several sorts of naps. There is the Children's Nap, an absolute essential. No mother on the planet could function for the first four years of her child's life unless children were hardwired for napping. There is the Drunken Stupor Nap...usually very well demonstrated by your best friend in college, while at a party. Be sure to keep a camera close by. Drunken nappers tend to drool and talk in their sleep. You don't want to miss the opportunity to get your buddy on the 'Priceless,' website. Then there is the Pregnant Woman Nap. This nap lasts nine months, and is occasionally punctuated by brief forays into the refrigerator. (Hot tip: watch carefully...if her backside completely disappears into the fridge, it's time to go haul her out by her stretchy ankle pants. It means she's once again consumed too many calories and has fallen asleep in the meat drawer.)
We can also speak of the Crotchety Old Person nap. This nap is perpetrated by persons over the age of 80 who are so completely disgusted with all of us and the stupid things we do that they pretend to nap most of the time. These are the same people that 'lose' the remote and 'fix' the television so that it stays on the Weather Channel all day. Then they 'snooze' in their chair while the rest of the family carries on around them. Don't be fooled. They're really just waiting for the Natural Disaster Showcase to come on.

There are dozens of napping forms, but to my way of thinking the absolute best nap in the whole world is the Unavoidable Nap. There you are, going about your day, hoping to get much accomplished and reap the accolades of your peers. (Okay, so I never get any accolades. Sue me for dreaming, willya?) Suddenly, your upper body seems to sway and then your knees feel a bit 'fuzzy.' You realize that you are extremely tired. What to do, what to do? If you are anywhere near a chair or preferably, bed, you will sink down into it at once, your eyes will begin to droop, and within seconds you will be tripping the light mediocre in some weird dream about a co-worker, the stray cat that lives outside the building you work in, and shopping for stiletto heels. You will not have been able to stop yourself from falling asleep. This nap lasts for about twenty minutes, or until the shoe shopping is done, which could take some time if your dream co-worker is Imelda Marcos. You will awake with a start or a snort, or possibly both. You might have been drooling. If you were sleeping at home, that's okay because most likely your cat will lick it off your face with the same tongue he uses to wash his testicles. If you are at work, you'll need to artfully pretend to cover a yawn with your fist and wipe off the drool. Don't worry, you'll be successful but everyone will know anyway.

Now, here's the part of the Unavoidable Nap that I dearly love: the post sleep Groovies. After one of these naps, you will be so relaxed and tuned in that you won't be able to stop yourself from sort of shuffle dancing around and humming 'My Girl' under your breath. Trust me. You'll spend the rest of your post nap day feeling like you just achieved enlightenment under the fig tree and you're just hanging around waiting for your get out of bad karma free certificate. Your entire outlook on life will change after an Unavoidable Nap. Everything will be brighter, cleaner, more fragrant, less hassle. Life is delicious now.

You know what...I think I might have that nap after all. Who could turn down that kind of feel good activity? I just hope I don't get that Marcos woman in my dream again.


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