That would be me...

Have you ever wondered why they print such idiotic warnings on product labels? I don't. I know why. I'm the person for whom the warning labels are written. In order for a product to get a warning label, someone had to do something incredibly stupid with said product. That's where I come into it. I am Consumer Report's idiotic warning label tester. (Well, I would be, if they had such a position.)

Now it can be revealed: there IS a reason why they put a giant sticker that says, "DO NOT STAND ABOVE THIS STEP" on stepladders. There I am, putting up Christmas lights, and I think, well, if you're not supposed to stand on it, why do they put a step there? So I stood on it. Then I stood on the very top where it has a label with a skull and crossbones. Then I reached up to hook the light strand, lost my balance and fell off the ladder. That's why you should listen to that warning label. It's very easy to lose your balance on a narrow rickety stepladder. Fortunately the ladder was only five feet tall, so really the only thing seriously wounded was my ego. (However, I still do not know why the heck they put a step there if they don't want you on it.)

You know those tags they put on matresses that say "NOT TO BE REMOVED EXCEPT BY CONSUMER?" Well, those tags have lots of warnings on them. One of the warnings clearly states, "DO NOT SMOKE IN BED. SERIOUS FIRE HAZARD." Well, I've smoked in bed lots of times, and it's only through sheer luck that I've never set the bed on fire. Now that I've quit smoking, I fully expect the new warning labels to say something like "DO NOT BURN CANDLES IN BED." They are going to have to change the warning because after all, I AM the idiotic warning label tester.

It says on a can of bathtub cleaner to line the spray nozzle up with the red dot. I thought that was kind of silly, so I just started spraying. Right up my own nose. Man, that was some headache.

And how about the foaming weed killer that says not to spray on a windy day, and I decide to do it in the middle of a Santa Ana? I thought my eyes would never stop tearing up. Just in case, I no longer use chemicals in my garden. I'm sure something far worse would happen to me if did use them.

Last weekend, I totally ignored the instructions on the side of the weed whacker that clearly state you should always do yardwork in closed toe shoes. I went-a-whacking in my Pocahontas sandals and sliced my foot open in nine places.

I'm sure if I could find a way to do it, I would blow dry my hair in the shower.

I have no idea why I'm so label-challenged. Perhaps I have a subconscious feeling of immortality. Maybe I think the rules only apply to the stupid people. Then again, we wouldn't have rules if there weren't stupid people. And since I'm the one breaking them...well...